My Wandering Mind...

A few days ago, I was devastated with the news of an old friend’s fatal accident. A few phone conversations later, I became painfully aware of how little we know of what actually goes on in the lives of our dear ones, family and friends. In this day and age of absolute connectivity, when everyone is just a call/message or a shout away, we are actually losing all connections. Facebook updates and posts, Instagram pictures, are all filled with positive, happy moments…but what happens in the dark moments? Until that fatal day, I believed my friend was living the life, her media posts boasted of her sons’ achievements, her public presence and acclaim, all pointed in that direction and I thought that she had moved away from being a troubled teenager into a happy adulthood. I could not have been more wrong is what those few phone calls told me. 

My daughter insisted that it was an issue with my generation and that we did not share our problems. I am not convinced that this is a problem merely with people of my generation. I think this has more to do with technology and the way it connects while actually disconnecting. In the times when we were not so connected, it was easier to share… or was it? Fact is, I cannot pour my heart out in a phone conversation. I need a physical presence to be able to do that. I need the opposite person to see and feel my pain, not just hear. I can have long conversations on the phone about everything and nothing. Most of these conversations evaporate from my brain even as I disconnect the call. And any reference to it is likely to leave me perplexed and trying to jog my memory to recollect the information, which I invariably cover up with suitably spaced “Oh ya ya” or “I Know”… or some such similarly inane phrases. This is not the case when we have face-to-face conversations. Our eyes, faces and bodies speak more then the actual words that we use, and they tell a story that goes way beyond the words. And our eyes, hear more then words can say and ask questions, that our tongues cannot. I have seen stories fall apart when faced with a steady attentive gaze that sees through the pretense. And even if the questions are not actually asked, the story teller knows that he/she has been seen through. A “are you ok” that comes with a concerned look expects more then the casual “oh ya” that is typically the answer that one would be inclined to give. The look asks more, expects more and sees more. How can this be replaced with a conversation over the phone?

While I love technology, I am realizing more and more that it makes it so easy to lie our way through anything, to cheat even when there is no need and hide from others and eventually from most reality. As a result, we know nothing about each other and say nothing. We read a lot and retain nothing. We go everywhere but enjoy nothing. But is this all? Is technology the only culprit?

Is it just me, or has it become more common to meet in groups and not in ones and two? Safety in numbers, they say… are we all hiding from each other and in the process ourselves? I find more and more that we meet people in small hoards, where conversation stays superficial and about fun and all things good. The slight hint of dissent seems to make everyone uncomfortable. We surround ourselves with music and sound to prevent ourselves from hearing our voices, both inner and outer. I love music…but for me, its something I appreciate in solitude, when I can absorb the beauty, the rhythm and the melody without any adulteration from anything else… and yet I find more and more friends suggesting we play some music when we are together…when the music plays, there are some who want to sing aloud with it and others who want to dance…and OH what a good time was had by all! But me, I prefer that we meet in a small group, better still in ones and twos…so we can converse, get to know about one another…perhaps learn from one another…evolve. Sadly, I find very few takers. Is it because we are afraid to face the reality, introspect or is it that we are afraid of being judged for what we are going through, or what we think and feel? Where does this need to put on a “All is well” show actually stem from? What would happen if I were to say, “all is NOT well”? If I cannot face/accept my own fears, problems or whatever, how do I share and lay myself bare to my own? And if I do not do that, how can they help?

And so the mind wanders…

Revisiting

Its been a long time…

since I wandered down this path

Breathing in the air,

loaded with the scent of emotions

My bare feet fall softly

on the green grass of feelings

My eyes feasting on the colors

of thoughts that dance in my mind

Its been a long time…

Since I opened the garden door

That thorn that pricked my finger

As I touched that pretty rose

A resplendent red of anger

My hand recoiled instinctively

Not wanting to explore further

Its been a long time…

Since I breathed the anger out

And yet, that bitter sweet scent

of vindication continues to intoxicate

The shadows that pretend to embrace

Threatening to envelope the mind

Once more

That embrace so inviting as is

That door of withdrawal

Its been a long time…

Since I walked this path

बहुत कुछ सिखा चली है ज़िंदगी हमे
कभी हॅसा कर तो कभी रुला कर चली
कभी हसीन से ख्वाब दिखा कर
तो कभी ख्वाबों को बिखेर कर
चलाती रही है ज़िंदगी हमे
हर कदम पर यह एहसास रहा
हर मोड़ पर ख़ुसीयों का इंतेज़ार रहा
यूँ ही बहलाती फुसलती  चली
जब जब सोचा हमने
अब कर लिया इसे काबू में हमने
हंस कर हाथों से फिसल कर चली
हर पल यह ख़याल रहा हमे
कैसे कैसे नाच नाचती रही हमे
कल की यादों को धुँधला करती
कल के ख्वाबों को रोशन करती
हंसते हँसाते रोते रुलाते चली
बहुत कुछ दिखा चली है ज़िंदगी हमे

My Choice, Feminism and more…

My friend Vivek wrote an article recently and this post is a reaction to his article. The link to his article is http://vivekvaidya.com/five-learnings-about-feminism/

Thanks Vivek Vaidya, for a very succinct analysis of urbane feminism. I agree with all that you say, especially the part about Feminism being a personal thing.

However, I think, we also need to recognize the stereotypes that prevail in the society today and in fact rule the lives of most women. While for the privileged upper class/educated women, choice is what you take for granted, for a very large chunk of female population in our country, choice, responsibility and duty etc etc are defined and demanded based on these very stereotypes...nothing to do with ONLY men or women... it is the collective thinking that needs to undergo a change. Unfortunately, Deepika's video was unable to convey this and hence the flak. How many evolved writers, movie-makers, and other creative people have actually taken a step towards enlightening the populace?

We condemn rapes and propagate the need for learning self-defense, create apps for women to alert their loved ones in times of danger and so on… girls are told not to take chances/risks…to stay safe…all of this is required…yet, WHY should it be required? Why should someone else TEACH me, that it is MY CHOICE…when men take all of it for granted? Does it really have to do with the kind of Feminism you refer to? I think not. It refers to the fact that what is taken for granted, by 50% of the society, the remaining 50% cannot even aspire to it. The video tries to remind the world, that all of this, IS, in fact, MY CHOICE and I, as a women have every right to use it…un-burdened by societal restrictions, judgments…it is not, I believe, a call of Feminism…but in fact a reminder, that society as a whole, needs to change the way it thinks and perceives the actions of a free woman.

Every individual, not just women, draws a boundary for his/her behavior, based on his/her upbringing/social context/education and many such factors. However, for a large percentage of the female population these choices are not made by the boundaries she sets for herself, but by the boundaries that others set for her and force her to live within the confines of that boundary willingly or unwillingly, thus taking the power of choice away from her. THIS is what we should be concerning ourselves with.

Even if one feels Deepika’s video was ‘lame’ and irrelevant, it did generate a controversy and bring about a discussion…on many different platforms. The very fact that I have spent a precious 30 minutes of my Sunday writing this response to a blog article by a friend, indicates that there are many of us who feel rather strongly about it and wish to continue this debate.

I look forward to some responses to this reaction of mine…

Happy New Year

आज की सुबह आई है 
कुछ धुंधलायी सी, कुछ उदास सी 
कुछ सोच में डूबी 
बीत चूका एक और साल यूं ही 
बहुत कुछ रह गया करने को बाकी 
कई बातें रह गयी अनकही अब भी 
कुछ जज़्बात हैं, कुछ आंसूं हैं 
आँखों में छुपे हुए अब भी 
कुछ खुशियां हैं अधूरी,
और बाकी हैं अब भी 
कुछ दोस्तों की महफ़िलें,
और कुछ दोस्तों का मिलना 
भी बाकी है अब भी 
हंसी के टेहके बचे हैं कुछ अब भी 
चलो इसी लिए कर लें 
नए साल को सलाम अब 
हर अधूरा काम हो पूरा अब 
हर ख़ुशी, हर सपना हो पूरा अब 
कल की सुबह जो आएगी 
हो वह उजालों में धूलि,
नए ख्वाहिशों में लिपटी अब 
उजाले हों साथ, ख्वाहिशें हो पूरी 
इसी उम्मीद को लिए मन में,
चलो करो इस साल को विदा 
नया साल हो मुबारक सब को !!!

its 12 yrs today, since a childhood friend passed away in a road accident and along with her she took her two small children and her grief stricken father followed shortly after. 12 yrs later, I am still trying to reconcile with what happened and make sense ... I miss her and her memory is so vivid in my mind, that I can practically hear her voice...despite the fact that I had not spoken to her for over 10 years when death embraced her...we wait...each day...postponing that phone call... that visit...for random, stupid reasons... and before we know it...we cannot do so anymore... I miss you dear Nammu, and I will always regret the years that I let pass without keeping in touch...

ए दोस्त मेरे, ए मेरे बचपन के साथी

कभी जो चले थे हम हाथ पकड़ कर

उन दिनों की याद आती है अब भी

तेरी वह हँसी के ख्याल से अब भी

चेहरे पर मुस्कराहट आती है अब भी

ज़िन्दगी के सफ़र में तेरा हाथ छूटा

पर दिल में बसती रही तू हमेशा

तेरे साथ की चाह रही हमेशा

ज़िन्दगी से दूर चल दी तू

इतनी क्यों हो गयी बेसब्री तू

पीछे छोड़ कर सब जो चल दी तू

राहों पर मुड कर तुझे ढूँढ़ते हैं अब भी

यादों में ख्यालों में बसती है तू अब भी

तुझसे मिलने की आस रहती है अब भी

कई दिनों से एक यतीम सा ख्याल

दमाग़ के किसी दरीचे में

छुप कर बैठा है

खामोश, अपेख, इक्फा सा

रह रह कर अंगडाई लेता और  

अपने होने का एहसास दिलाता

जैसे किसी अँधेरे घर के झरोखे से

परदे को सरका कर

झांकता एक हल्का सा साया

किसी के होने का एहसास दिलाता

क्या था वह, जो ना हो कर भी

मुझे अपने होने का एहसास दिला जाता

कई बार सोचा, के उसके हलके से

आहट पर मैं भी खामोश हो

चुप चाप बैठ कर

उसके सामने आने का इंतज़ार करूं

पूछूं तो सही, क्या चाहता है

लेकिन मेरे ख़ामोशी पर जैसे

सुकून की नीद सो जाता

कमबख्त कुछ आहट ही नहीं करता

फिर मुझे अपने ज़ेहन पर शक होता

बेमतलब के फितूर पालता  है

जब कुछ है ही नहीं

तो न जाने किसकी आहट सुनाता है

लेकिन पता नहीं क्यों

रह रह कर अजीब सा बेचैन करता

इक भूली बात सा, धुन्दला धुन्दला

किसी पुराने ज़ख्म सा, ज़हनी दर्द सा

अदना सा झनझनाता हुआ

कानों के पास भिनभिनाता

मख्खी सा चिडाता हुआ

ख्याल ही था कोई अधुरा सा

मेरे इस कविता सा कच्चा सा